In Between Life and Death

Thank you all who wished me happy birthday. Every one wish made it special… But I can tell you that this year, it was more special than the rest of the other years that I’ve spent before because…

1) My exam falls on my birthday. And it happens to be the one module that I really hate a lot. IT1003. My nemesis.

2) When I finished the exam and was on the shuttle bus, David Powter was telling me I had a bad day. I could only smirked at the lyrics and say: “YOU ARE WRONG!”

3) I forced Celine and Sarah to sing happy birthday lyrics in Ring Ding Dong (Shinee) and Heartbeat (2PM) tune which I will post after my exams are over. Yes, I recorded them both. HAHA. HILARIOUS!

4) … I wanna thank facebook for letting everyone online in FB know that my birthday is today HAHA.

5) The taxi driver was SO FRIENDLY I really enjoyed my ride back home even though I was suffering from a headache. He even offered me a drink, to which I declined graciously p:… but he was so nice! He chopped off 40 cents off my bill xD And he did it without knowing it was my birthday.

6) When I was about to enter J8, a random guy dressed in office wear stopped me. Immediately I was on guard because he looked like he was about to ask me for a survey. He kept pressing for a while so I had to stop and entertain him for a bit. This was how it went:

Random Guy: Hey hey, is it okay if I ask you a few questions?
Me continue walking and him following
Random Guy: Do you shop here often?
Me: No?
Random Guy: Do you live around here?
Me: Yes?
(pause)
I began to walk upon sensing that it was probably the end of the conversation.
Random Guy: Do you know what’s 3 times 10?
Me: (?!?! Huh?!) Uh, 30? *eyebrows raised*
Random Guy: WRONG!
(pause)
Random Guy: It’s……. *palms hitting the air* ten ten TEN!! *in crescendo voice*
Me:    see face inverted left ->     D:) … *speechless and shocked*
Random Guy: *mumbles with a dorky smile* Ok thanks! *stepped aside*
Me: *walks away… still having the same expressson until I reached Thai Express*

MLIA.

Am I crazy?

Yes. I think I am.

But I have all these interests and passions. And so little time.  Why do I have to choose one over the other? I’m not satisfied with just touching the tip of the iceberg. I want to dive in to see its great manisfestation down under… without losing sight of the other beautiful iceberg that I’ve found. I’m just not good at letting go. When I love something, I tend to cling onto it for a very long time, sometimes even bordering on obsession. Even if I may not be capable of achieving greatness, or that I’m genius enough to accomplish great heights, why should I listen to these voices that question:”what makes you think you can do it?”

What makes you think I can’t? I haven’t even tried it yet.

I want to try and see for myself, whether I’m capable enough. And even if I might fail, even if I have to fork up extra time and effort to do so, even if I have to sacrifice my personal time for the sake of achieving this goal, at least I want to say that I’ve done my best, and not focus so hard on my failures or the things I have to sacrifice for it. If I try it out and just do it (even if it might be done poorly), I know there’s still growth. At the very least, I want to learn to persevere against all odds, so I may build resilience for come what may in the future. I’m doing this for myself. I’m doing this to show myself that I can do this – that I can break out of my shell.

As Nick Vujicic would put it, the way you live your life is in line with Vision, Perspective and Choices. And as I quote: “The day that you’ve reached your fullest potential is the day you have not.” I will keep reminding myself that in order to move forward, I have to take the next step no matter how tough that next step is going to be. If you’re tired, take a break and regain your energy before attempting it. If you failed, you have to try again because that’s the only way you can keep moving forward. I will keep challenging myself to break through that piece of glass ceiling. I don’t want to be stuck in this shell forever.

I’m writing this… so that for during times when I feel like I want to give up, I can always read this and remind myself of my vision, my perspective that’s gradually beginning to change (finally after having lived through 20 years of my life), and my choices that I’m going to take to pursue this vision. When I’ve forgotten the reason why I want to do this, I want to find some ground that I can come back to recharge.

Source:

omg. I have 4 more days till my first exam starts.

I’m doomed.

I’m terrified of the culture I immersed myself with. I thought I was neurotic, and when I came here and realised I was not the only one who’s neurotic, I was both relieved and creeped out – Ah, so this is how I appear to others. That all I add up to is the sum of one mega crazy little neurotic bitch. Ok. This isn’t good. This isn’t healthy.

This crazy little hill has a town where its townspeople are a bit obsessed with achievement. We tend to be a bit hard on ourselves. We’re all worried that we might get eaten by the shadows if we don’t pay close attention to staying in the light.

Because of what I’ve observed so far, I tell myself I have to get a grip on myself. It shouldn’t have to be this way. Being neurotic isn’t going to help in anything. I don’t want to worry my life away, sobbing my life away, obsessing over my results and achievements that I forget the rest. Sure, I’d like to do well, but I don’t HAVE to be a high-achiever. I don’t NEED to get incredible results to be good at what I do in the future. Studying, gaining knowledge… if I do badly, it isn’t the end of the world. 人生好漫长。有好多东西更值得我们珍惜，更值得我们去爱护。I’m not going to worry about all the restrictions which society might place on me just because of a few broken results. I only have to do my best. First step to gaining a little bit more control over my own happiness is to set realistic and believable goals, not just throwing ideals on myself. Haven’t I suffered so much already from doing that since young?  This is a good sign. I think I can believe that I’m attaining some level of emotional stability now and dare I say, a bit less of a workaholic?

*

Also, I’m having The Struggle-Talk again. I want to break free from my fear, insecurities and intermittent depressive episodes. Yet I feel so attached to that self that I can’t let go. Being in my depressive state gives me new creative insights and in retrospect, I think that it’s the build-up of this negative energy that pushes myself to work harder in order to gain something positive in my life. If I get too many positive things in my life, I tend to get complacent and feel undeserving of them. (pause) … and I think that the only thing here that’s restricting me from reaching my fullest potential is my mindset – not my results or my IQ, not my intra- and inter- personal skills, not even my achievements and/or results that I get from school.

P.s: coming to an end here, I actually forgot about the reason why I wanted to write this post. But bah, it’s 1am and I’m tired of ranting.

Disclaimer:
I’m not emo. I don’t think that it’s the end of the world, or that everyone hates me, or that I want to die. Heck no, I’m definitely not like him:

I’m reflecting, doing a self-narrative, and materializing my thoughts and feelings so that I can understand myself a bit better.

Very insightful.

As long as you keep walking. Even if you’re walking with a broken limb or scrapped knees or you’ve fallen down and that’s why you’re walking slower than the rest of the people around you, you’ll get to the end eventually… As long as you keep on walking. No matter how small a progress you’re making, you are still making progress. You are still one step ahead of yesterday - Don’t ever discredit yourself for that.

Cheers.

My brother and his wife had a photoshoot today and they brought us along to pretty the pictures up. Ok larrrr, fine… we’re just there to make the shots ugly. BUT WHO THE HELL CARES. This is us without the glamour:

ZHNGED UP VERSION

Have you noticed my regular blogging schedule these days?

It’s because when I can’t think of anything to do or when I don’t want to deal with school stuff and thus have nothing to do, I get bored and restless. So I decided that blogging will be my outlet for releasing frustration and stress.

There’s never ending to this studying. I sometimes ask myself whether it is any use at all to studying so much. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to reach my goals at this rate. I’m just going to do my best and if I can’t make it, I’ll have to get used to it. I’m so fed up and exhuasted. Bah. I don’t even know whether I am doing fine with my studies because there’s no clear feedback on my studies even at this point.

Questions like: How am I faring? How am I doing? What are some of the things I can improve on? What else am I missing? goes unanswered because of this.

I have 2 reports due within these 2 weeks, but somehow, it seems like everyone in my project group is always busy with something else that is more important than these projects and have no time to meet up. It is understandable, but it gets me into a restless and anxious mood because there is nothing else I can think of doing. =.=

I feel so.. err… dissatisfied with everything right now. I’m getting bitchy and easily annoyed with so many things. Zz. Guess I’ll sleep on it.

I dreamt of the great triple L from my poly days. I was working in this cubicle and it seemed like I really wanted to get the job finished. I remembered the look of INTENSE CONCENTRATION on my face. Just then the lecturer strolled past my cubicle door and said: “Wow, so late already and you’re still here?” I turned back and looked out the window. It was like dawn. I could see the sunrise. When I looked again, the lecturer was already gone.

Somehow, I turned to the clock and told myself that the clock is lying (like it’s 24 hrs slow -_-!) So I went back to work. It sounded like my heart wants me to slow down but my brain is telling me not to. And it’s weird that I’m dreaming of this lecturer. O_O